The Love of a Good Man - Chapter One

A/N: I’ve been having difficulty even writing a tiny bit of Beth after the MSF. I hope that by writing her in this Brick fic I’ll overcome that and find my way back to her with Bethyl. This fic was written for a friend. I hope I can make it a good one :) Based on the idea of Beth rejecting Rick.

…

If someone were to ask Rick Grimes where his feelings for the young Beth Greene came from, he honestly wouldn’t be able to answer. If someone were to ask him to rationalize the flutter in he felt in his chest upon seeing her he wouldn’t be able to. If someone were to ask him to explain how he could have her in mind right now, as he lay in his bunk, beating off to thoughts of her being under him, with him inside of her, he wouldn’t have words to begin to offer a single argument to justify his actions. He was as mystified by what was happening as anyone would be if they knew.

Thankfully no one knew. No one had a clue, especially her, and he intended to keep it that way.

Once he came, once he cleaned up, he couldn’t stop the feelings of guilt and shame that overcame him. He wiped sweat from his brow, licked his dry lips, and turned to face the wall of his cell.

Christ, he thought. I’m beating off to thoughts of a seventeen-year-old girl. A teenager. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Lori would be ashamed. She’d be disturbed and ashamed and he felt tears of self-loathing sting his eyes. Had he known any other man in the world, even the fucked up world they now lived in where things like age differences no longer mattered, was hot for a seventeen-year-old girl he would put them out of his group. It was sick. It was wrong.

And he was completely powerless to stop it.

He suspected his son Carl had once nursed a crush on Beth. He’d never thought it had been mutual, though. There was a world of difference between a girl only a month shy of her eighteenth birthday and a boy six months shy of his fourteenth. Girls matured faster.

That’s what he kept telling himself, anyway.

It was quiet nights like this that Rick tried to analyze what he felt. He thought maybe losing Lori had broken more than just his mind, but his moral center, too. Perhaps seeing Beth care for Judith as though the baby was her own, made him feel something for her. Perhaps he was confusing gratitude and admiration for something that it wasn’t, and his own perfectly normal need for sex, combined with gratitude and admiration, had him thinking he was in love with her.

Which was ridiculous in his own ears.

I’m a thirty-six year-old man who is most definitely not in love with a seventeen-year-old girl, he told himself. He didn’t believe it but he took comfort in the lie.

After wrestling with is guilt, Rick shut his eyes and finally drifted off to sleep.

…

Beth Greene loved a good sunny day. She also loved a good rainy day. She especially enjoyed rain at night, when it provided background noise to sleep by. She once had not been able to sleep without the sound of a fan in the room. That had been the hardest part of adjusting to a world without electricity: no noise to sleep by.

She awoke to the sound of a heavy rain and stretched, smiling, thinking that today was going to be a good day. They needed the rain for the crops and for water. It still had to be boiled, of course, but they would use it for everything from bathing to washing clothes and dishes, and sterilizing bandages.

Today she quickly showered and dressed and headed out to grab some breakfast. She had a big day ahead of her. She was going on a run. Her father and sister had bucked the idea but she was enthusiastic. She was going to finally prove she wasn’t just a good shot but that she was useful for more than babysitting Judith.

Not that she minded Judith. She loved the little angel, her adopted daughter, but she wanted more from life than mothering a dead woman’s child. She wanted to do something new, different, something exciting that would contribute to the group.

Rick met her in the common room where Michonne was doling out scrambled eggs. She sprinkled pepper, they were out of salt, on her eggs and hurried to eat.

“Why such a hurry?” Rick asked.

“We have to get going, right?”

He smiled at her and covered her hand with his in a friendly pat.

“Don’t choke.”

When breakfast was over Beth met up with her father and sister by the door. She saw the looks of worry in their faces and felt a stab of pity, but it was overwhelmed by an even deeper stab of annoyance.

“I’m gonna be with Rick, I’ll be fine.”

“I know,” Hershel said, smiling. “Just be sure to listen to everything he says.”

“I will.”

“You sure you don’t want me to come with you?” asked Maggie.

“I definitely don’t want you coming along,” Beth replied. “I’ll see you when I get back. Anything you want me to keep an eye out for?”

Maggie leaned in to hug Beth and whispered, “Condoms.”

She giggled and kissed her father goodbye before heading off to the truck with Rick. They were taking the Tucson and he made sure the tank was at least half full before they started off. Beth lamented that the rain had gone but she figured it would be safer not to go out in a storm.

…

“Are you scared?”

“A little,” Beth answered honestly.

“Good. You haven’t forgotten that out here, fear can keep you alive.”

Beth nodded agreeably. “I just, don’t take this the wrong way, but I just want to do more for our people than babysit. I love Judy!”

Rick was smiling. “I know. She loves you too. You’re the only mother she’s ever really known.”

“I’ve always wanted kids.”

“You’ll have them, someday.”

Beth felt like that was a dream, really. One that would never come true. Still, it didn’t stop her from hoping for it.

They went through familiar streets and beyond, into territory she hadn’t seen since their winter on the run after the farm, and she it hit her just how blessed they were to have the prison. It’s gates and its fences, the walls, everything down to the cells was added security that she’d always be grateful for.

Eventually they found a few houses that looked like they may not have been raided and climbed out of the truck. It was quiet out, no signs of walkers. Rick led the way into the house and Beth followed, her knife at the ready, her heart in her throat. Rick knocked on the door and they waited.

“Okay, we’ve got one, maybe more, inside,” he said, hearing shuffling and the raspy breath of a walker inside. He shoved the door open, knocking a woman that looked like she’d been the missus of the house, onto her back. Rick moved quickly, driving his knife into her skull, ending her. Another walker shuffled forward and Beth gasped.

It was a child. A little boy of about ten.

“I got it,” Rick said.

God, he hated killing children. Even though its teeth were as much of a threat as any walkers he still hated it. As soon as the boy was down he dragged it by its feet to lie next to its mother. Beth had moved to grab a blanket off the couch. She threw it over the bodies, feeling heavy and saddened.

Rick’s hand was comforting on her shoulder. He squeezed and when she looked into his eyes she saw something there that she couldn’t put a finger on. It was an intense look and she wondered what it was. Then Rick’s hand slid down her back and pulled her a little closer.

“Are you okay?” he asked softly.

Beth instinctively stepped back, feeling a little uncomfortable with Rick’s touch at the small of her back. There was an intimacy to it that didn’t feel merely platonic. It had something to do with the way his fingers curled into her skin, one finger slipping below the waist of her jeans. Something was strange about the way he looked at her but she wasn’t sure why. It was Rick, after all.

He swallowed and quickly removed his hand. They stood there, in awkward silence, until Beth said, “Well, we should clear the rest of the house, I guess.”

Rick nodded and started off, his back straight and stiff, an odd look on her face that she couldn’t define. He looked angry but for the life of her she couldn’t figure out why.

What just happened? Beth wondered. She trailed along after him, clearing the house. There were no other walkers inside and they set to work searching for useful things.

…

Rick cursed himself.

What the fuck did you just do?

He wondered what on earth had possessed him to pull Beth toward him. He’d meant to comfort her, not scare her, or repulse her. He put himself in her shoes: She was a seventeen year-old-girl on a run, alone, with an older man whom she trusted but had suddenly gotten perverse with her. He’d touched her like a lover, the way he used to touch Lori, because he’d missed touching a woman in that way. He missed female flesh.

She’s not a woman, she’s a girl, he reminded himself.

She was probably afraid of him. He stewed in self loathing and anger as he yanked open one drawer after another, blindly going through items, picking out the good stuff by rote without having to put too much thought into it, until his bag was full.

“Rick? Have I done something?”

He realized Beth was watching him and he looked up at her. “No, why?”

She shrugged. “You look mad.”

“No, I’m not mad. Especially not at you.” He tried to smile to reassure her. She smiled back but didn’t look completely convinced. “You’re doing great on this run. Still scared?”

She shrugged. “Not scared, no. Cautious, I guess.”

He nodded. “Good.”

“Bingo,” she said a few moments later, when she was in the bathroom of the master bedroom.

“Found something good?”

“Yeah, condoms—” She suddenly gasped, looking horrified, and Rick stiffened.

“Okay.”

“Maggie wants them,” she hastened to explain. She had an unopened box of twelve in her hand. She looked tiny and embarrassed as she stuffed them into her bag. “So, another house?”

“Yeah,” he agreed, allowing her to lead the way out.

It was tense from that moment forward. Rick kept seeing himself slip one of the condoms on before slipping into Beth and he hated himself. He wondered what Beth was thinking as they cleared another house and scrounged up useful items, including diapers and baby formula for Judith. He wished, that of all the people they were bringing into the prison, a nursing mother would be among them, but no such luck. He was constantly worried about running out of food for her.

“I think this is enough,” he said, after clearing a fourth house. The truck was stacked and it was getting dark.

“This was an easy run,” she said. “Only two walkers. It’s exciting.”

He grinned as he climbed into the truck. Her bag had the condoms in it. She was now touching his arm and smiling at him, talking about being excited with fucking rubbers in her bag.

“Thanks for bringing me.”

“No problem. If you want to come along on more runs let me know. I’ll be happy to bring you along.”

“Really?”

He couldn’t help but enjoy her bright smile. “Really.”

A few raindrops pattered on the windshield and, feeling like a perverse freak, Rick started back for the prison with a stirring in his loins. He had a feeling he’d be lotioning up his hand again tonight with images of Beth Greene’s legs wrapped around his waist playing through his mind.

…

Beth grabbed her journal and sat down on her bed to write.

I went on a run last week with Rick. It was just
the two of us. Something happened. I can’t really
say what but it was weird. He touched me in a way
that he’d never touched me before. Not that he
touches me a lot anyway. It just had this strange feel
to it. It was intimate and it felt sexual. I was
really uncomfortable because I didn’t know how to
read him. I’ve never had an experience like that
before. If it was Carl I’d have thought he was flirting
with me, or was going to kiss me, but this is RICK!
He wouldn’t do something like that, would he? Not
with me. If he was flirting or if he’s into me like that
I don’t know how I feel about it. I’ve started to notice
things since then. I’ve started to notice he looks at me
a lot. He stands too close and he touches me every
chance he gets. I’m probably wrong about this but I
swear, I think he’s got a crush on me. I can’t say anything.
Imagine how stupid I’d look asking a thirty-six year old
man if he’s hot for me. He’d be so offended if it isn’t
true. But what if he said yes, that he wants me like
that? What would I do then? God, if Daddy and
Maggie found out they’d do something awful. It would
ruin everything here. He’d lose everyone’s respect. What
do I do?

She put her pen down and tucked her diary away just as the man himself arrived at her cell, carrying Judith. The baby was asleep when she took him from Rick’s arms.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, why?”

He shrugged. “I’ve been watching you. You seem down.”

“You watch me a lot, don’t you?” she asked quietly.

Rick looked down and shoved his hands in his pockets. A moment later he looked into her eyes and opened his mouth to speak but thought better of it.

“I’ll pick her up tonight around six.”

Beth nodded and watched him go. She cradled his daughter in her arms and wondered what was going on with him. What had he been about to say? It was times like this that Beth wished she had more life experience, more experience with men, so she’d have some clue as to what was going on with Rick. She couldn’t figure him out.

She knew someone who could, though. She put Judith in the little stroller they’d picked up that week and wheeled her down to the court where the tubs had been set up for laundry day. She found her sister Maggie scrubbing clothes on a washboard and she took a seat on one of the steps near her.

“Maggie? How do you know if a man is interested in you?”

“I wouldn’t call Carl a man. I don’t think he’s still got that crush on you anyway.”

Maggie looked at Beth and mistook her silence for hurt. “Don’t let it bother you. Boys his age are fickle. Besides, he’s too young for you anyway, right?”

“I wasn’t talking about Carl. This is an older man.”

“Who?”

“I’m not ready to say.”

Maggie was looking at her fully now. “Beth, we’ve been taking strangers in. We don’t know them or what they may try. If somebody’s bothering you—”

“No, Maggie. It’s fine. Never mind.”

“You sure?”

Beth nodded and took Judith for a walk. She spotted Rick and Daryl talking by the gate. They were laughing, which was rare for both men. As though he could sense her gaze, Rick looked back at her. She pretended not to see him and continued on. She happened upon Michonne and hurried her way. Michonne would talk to her without trying to be overprotective.

“Michonne?”

Michonne was lifting weights when Beth approached. “What’s up?”

“I need your advice.”

“Okay.”

“How do I know if a man is interested in me? An older man.”

Michonne put the weights down and began to stretch her muscles.

“If you have to ask, chances are you know the answer.”

Beth considered that for a moment.

“Talk to him. You can’t guess what people are thinking. Not really. If you’re wrong it’s fine. If you’re right you can go from there.”

Beth relaxed. Michonne was right. It wasn’t fair for her to make assumptions, not to her or him.

“If you find out this older man is interested, do you think you’d feel the same?”

“I don’t know,” Beth said honestly. 

“Take your time. Do what feels right for you.”

Michonne resumed her workout and Beth thanked her before taking Judy inside, out of the heat, for a feeding.”

…

She knows, Rick thought.

He watched Beth stroll Judith toward Michonne, who was working out. 

“Why you always watching that girl?”

Fuck…

He should have known to be careful around other people, especially Daryl Dixon, but he often found himself gazing at Beth without being aware he was doing it at first. Then, when he was aware, he couldn’t stop.

“I don’t,” he tried to cage. 

Daryl wasn’t buying it. “She’s seventeen, man.”

“I know how old she is.”

Daryl shrugged but Rick could tell he was a little stiff in the back as he did it. He felt a wave of shame and also a need to open up to someone about it. Daryl was his best friend. He was a man of few words and he was also understanding.

“I’d never act on it.”

That was all he needed to say to finally give voice to the hell he’d been going through the past few months.  He felt as though weight had literally been lifted from his body. His chest and stomach didn’t feel as heavy, though he did feel shame.

“She know?” Daryl asked, crossing his arms.

Rick looked back at Beth, who was carrying the stroller with Judith in it up the steps and into the prison.

“I don’t know. I think she has an idea.”

He looked back into Daryl’s sky blue eyes. He was relieved to see there wasn’t anger or disappointment, just curiosity.

“Why her?”

“I can’t explain it,” Rick answered honestly. “Damned if I can explain it. It’s not about sex, Daryl. Not just about that. Beth and I have nothing in common. I’m twice her age and…I just can’t explain it but it’s real. I can’t stop it.”

“You’re in love with her then?” Daryl asked, looking like a curious and confused puppy.

“I don’t know,” were the words to come out of Rick’s mouth but something in his gut was screaming yes.

“Be careful,” Daryl advised. “Everybody here looks to you for everything, even if you don’t give the orders anymore. They may not trust you if they found out you were hot for a teenaged girl.”

“You too?”

“Naw, man. I trust you.”

He patted Rick on the arm and headed to his bike where he knelt and began the process of an oil change. Rick started back for the prison. He had a lot of work to do. Maybe, if Daryl was still his friend, still trusted him, he wasn’t the monster he felt he was whenever he dreamed of holding Beth close and kissing her, or lying next to her as she slept.

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