A/N: I’ve been having difficulty even
writing a tiny bit of Beth after the MSF. I hope that by writing her in this
Brick fic I’ll overcome that and find my way back to her with Bethyl. This fic was
written for a friend. I hope I can make it a good one :) Based on the idea of
Beth rejecting Rick.
…
If someone were to
ask Rick Grimes
where his feelings for the young Beth Greene came from, he honestly wouldn’t be
able to answer. If someone were to ask him to rationalize the flutter in he
felt in his chest upon seeing her he wouldn’t be able to. If someone were to
ask him to explain how he could have her in mind right now, as he lay in his
bunk, beating off to thoughts of her being under him, with him inside of her,
he wouldn’t have words to begin to offer a single argument to justify his
actions. He was as mystified by what was happening as anyone would be if they
knew.
Thankfully no one knew. No
one had a clue, especially her, and he intended to keep it that way.
Once he came, once he cleaned
up, he couldn’t stop the feelings of guilt and shame that overcame him. He
wiped sweat from his brow, licked his dry lips, and turned to face the wall of
his cell.
Christ, he thought. I’m beating off to thoughts of a
seventeen-year-old girl. A teenager. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Lori would be ashamed. She’d
be disturbed and ashamed and he felt tears of self-loathing sting his eyes. Had
he known any other man in the world, even the fucked up world they now lived in
where things like age differences no longer mattered, was hot for a
seventeen-year-old girl he would put them out of his group. It was sick. It was
wrong.
And he was completely
powerless to stop it.
He suspected his son Carl had
once nursed a crush on Beth. He’d never thought it had been mutual, though. There
was a world of difference between a girl only a month shy of her eighteenth
birthday and a boy six months shy of his fourteenth. Girls matured faster.
That’s what he kept telling
himself, anyway.
It was quiet nights like this
that Rick tried to analyze what he felt. He thought maybe losing Lori had
broken more than just his mind, but his moral center, too. Perhaps seeing Beth
care for Judith as though the baby was her own, made him feel something for
her. Perhaps he was confusing gratitude and admiration for something that it
wasn’t, and his own perfectly normal need for sex, combined with gratitude and
admiration, had him thinking he was in love with her.
Which was ridiculous in his
own ears.
I’m a thirty-six year-old
man who is most definitely not in love with a seventeen-year-old girl, he told himself. He didn’t believe it
but he took comfort in the lie.
After wrestling with is
guilt, Rick shut his eyes and finally drifted off to sleep.
…
Beth Greene loved
a good sunny day.
She also loved a good rainy day. She especially enjoyed rain at night, when it
provided background noise to sleep by. She once had not been able to sleep
without the sound of a fan in the room. That had been the hardest part of
adjusting to a world without electricity: no noise to sleep by.
She awoke to the sound of a
heavy rain and stretched, smiling, thinking that today was going to be a good
day. They needed the rain for the crops and for water. It still had to be
boiled, of course, but they would use it for everything from bathing to washing
clothes and dishes, and sterilizing bandages.
Today she quickly showered
and dressed and headed out to grab some breakfast. She had a big day ahead of
her. She was going on a run. Her father and sister had bucked the idea but she
was enthusiastic. She was going to finally prove she wasn’t just a good shot
but that she was useful for more than babysitting Judith.
Not that she minded Judith.
She loved the little angel, her adopted daughter, but she wanted more from life
than mothering a dead woman’s child. She wanted to do something new, different,
something exciting that would contribute to the group.
Rick met her in the common
room where Michonne was doling out scrambled eggs. She sprinkled pepper, they
were out of salt, on her eggs and hurried to eat.
“Why such a hurry?” Rick
asked.
“We have to get going,
right?”
He smiled at her and covered
her hand with his in a friendly pat.
“Don’t choke.”
When breakfast was over Beth
met up with her father and sister by the door. She saw the looks of worry in
their faces and felt a stab of pity, but it was overwhelmed by an even deeper
stab of annoyance.
“I’m gonna be with Rick, I’ll
be fine.”
“I know,” Hershel said,
smiling. “Just be sure to listen to everything he says.”
“I will.”
“You sure you don’t want me
to come with you?” asked Maggie.
“I definitely don’t want you
coming along,” Beth replied. “I’ll see you when I get back. Anything you want
me to keep an eye out for?”
Maggie leaned in to hug Beth
and whispered, “Condoms.”
She giggled and kissed her
father goodbye before heading off to the truck with Rick. They were taking the
Tucson and he made sure the tank was at least half full before they started
off. Beth lamented that the rain had gone but she figured it would be safer not
to go out in a storm.
…
“Are you scared?”
“A little,” Beth answered
honestly.
“Good. You haven’t forgotten
that out here, fear can keep you alive.”
Beth nodded agreeably. “I
just, don’t take this the wrong way, but I just want to do more for our people
than babysit. I love Judy!”
Rick was smiling. “I know.
She loves you too. You’re the only mother she’s ever really known.”
“I’ve always wanted kids.”
“You’ll have them, someday.”
Beth felt like that was a
dream, really. One that would never come true. Still, it didn’t stop her from
hoping for it.
They went through familiar
streets and beyond, into territory she hadn’t seen since their winter on the
run after the farm, and she it hit her just how blessed they were to have the
prison. It’s gates and its fences, the walls, everything down to the cells was
added security that she’d always be grateful for.
Eventually they found a few
houses that looked like they may not have been raided and climbed out of the
truck. It was quiet out, no signs of walkers. Rick led the way into the house
and Beth followed, her knife at the ready, her heart in her throat. Rick
knocked on the door and they waited.
“Okay, we’ve got one, maybe
more, inside,” he said, hearing shuffling and the raspy breath of a walker
inside. He shoved the door open, knocking a woman that looked like she’d been
the missus of the house, onto her back. Rick moved quickly, driving his knife
into her skull, ending her. Another walker shuffled forward and Beth gasped.
It was a child. A little boy
of about ten.
“I got it,” Rick said.
God, he hated killing
children. Even though its teeth were as much of a threat as any walkers he
still hated it. As soon as the boy was down he dragged it by its feet to lie
next to its mother. Beth had moved to grab a blanket off the couch. She threw
it over the bodies, feeling heavy and saddened.
Rick’s hand was comforting on
her shoulder. He squeezed and when she looked into his eyes she saw something
there that she couldn’t put a finger on. It was an intense look and she
wondered what it was. Then Rick’s hand slid down her back and pulled her a
little closer.
“Are you okay?” he asked
softly.
Beth instinctively stepped
back, feeling a little uncomfortable with Rick’s touch at the small of her
back. There was an intimacy to it that didn’t feel merely platonic. It had
something to do with the way his fingers curled into her skin, one finger
slipping below the waist of her jeans. Something was strange about the way he
looked at her but she wasn’t sure why. It was Rick, after all.
He swallowed and quickly
removed his hand. They stood there, in awkward silence, until Beth said, “Well,
we should clear the rest of the house, I guess.”
Rick nodded and started off,
his back straight and stiff, an odd look on her face that she couldn’t define.
He looked angry but for the life of her she couldn’t figure out why.
What just happened? Beth wondered. She trailed along after
him, clearing the house. There were no other walkers inside and they set to
work searching for useful things.
…
Rick cursed himself.
What the fuck did you
just do?
He wondered what on earth had
possessed him to pull Beth toward him. He’d meant to comfort her, not scare
her, or repulse her. He put himself in her shoes: She was a seventeen
year-old-girl on a run, alone, with an older man whom she trusted but had
suddenly gotten perverse with her. He’d touched her like a lover, the way he
used to touch Lori, because he’d missed touching a woman in that way. He missed
female flesh.
She’s not a woman, she’s
a girl, he reminded
himself.
She was probably afraid of
him. He stewed in self loathing and anger as he yanked open one drawer after
another, blindly going through items, picking out the good stuff by rote
without having to put too much thought into it, until his bag was full.
“Rick? Have I done
something?”
He realized Beth was watching
him and he looked up at her. “No, why?”
She shrugged. “You look mad.”
“No, I’m not mad. Especially
not at you.” He tried to smile to reassure her. She smiled back but didn’t look
completely convinced. “You’re doing great on this run. Still scared?”
She shrugged. “Not scared,
no. Cautious, I guess.”
He nodded. “Good.”
“Bingo,” she said a few
moments later, when she was in the bathroom of the master bedroom.
“Found something good?”
“Yeah, condoms—” She suddenly
gasped, looking horrified, and Rick stiffened.
“Okay.”
“Maggie wants them,” she
hastened to explain. She had an unopened box of twelve in her hand. She looked
tiny and embarrassed as she stuffed them into her bag. “So, another house?”
“Yeah,” he agreed, allowing
her to lead the way out.
It was tense from that moment
forward. Rick kept seeing himself slip one of the condoms on before slipping
into Beth and he hated himself. He wondered what Beth was thinking as they
cleared another house and scrounged up useful items, including diapers and baby
formula for Judith. He wished, that of all the people they were bringing into
the prison, a nursing mother would be among them, but no such luck. He was
constantly worried about running out of food for her.
“I think this is enough,” he said,
after clearing a fourth house. The truck was stacked and it was getting dark.
“This was an easy run,” she
said. “Only two walkers. It’s exciting.”
He grinned as he climbed into
the truck. Her bag had the condoms in it. She was now touching his arm and
smiling at him, talking about being excited with fucking rubbers in her bag.
“Thanks for bringing me.”
“No problem. If you want to
come along on more runs let me know. I’ll be happy to bring you along.”
“Really?”
He couldn’t help but enjoy
her bright smile. “Really.”
A few raindrops pattered on
the windshield and, feeling like a perverse freak, Rick started back for the
prison with a stirring in his loins. He had a feeling he’d be lotioning up his
hand again tonight with images of Beth Greene’s legs wrapped around his waist
playing through his mind.
…
Beth grabbed her journal
and sat down on her
bed to write.
I went on a run last week
with Rick. It was just
the two of us. Something happened. I can’t really
say what but it was weird. He touched me in a way
that he’d never touched me before. Not that he
touches me a lot anyway. It just had this strange feel
to it. It was intimate and it felt sexual. I was
really uncomfortable because I didn’t know how to
read him. I’ve never had an experience like that
before. If it was Carl I’d have thought he was flirting
with me, or was going to kiss me, but this is RICK!
He wouldn’t do something like that, would he? Not
with me. If he was flirting or if he’s into me like that
I don’t know how I feel about it. I’ve started to notice
things since then. I’ve started to notice he looks at me
a lot. He stands too close and he touches me every
chance he gets. I’m probably wrong about this but I
swear, I think he’s got a crush on me. I can’t say anything.
Imagine how stupid I’d look asking a thirty-six year old
man if he’s hot for me. He’d be so offended if it isn’t
true. But what if he said yes, that he wants me like
that? What would I do then? God, if Daddy and
Maggie found out they’d do something awful. It would
ruin everything here. He’d lose everyone’s respect. What
do I do?
the two of us. Something happened. I can’t really
say what but it was weird. He touched me in a way
that he’d never touched me before. Not that he
touches me a lot anyway. It just had this strange feel
to it. It was intimate and it felt sexual. I was
really uncomfortable because I didn’t know how to
read him. I’ve never had an experience like that
before. If it was Carl I’d have thought he was flirting
with me, or was going to kiss me, but this is RICK!
He wouldn’t do something like that, would he? Not
with me. If he was flirting or if he’s into me like that
I don’t know how I feel about it. I’ve started to notice
things since then. I’ve started to notice he looks at me
a lot. He stands too close and he touches me every
chance he gets. I’m probably wrong about this but I
swear, I think he’s got a crush on me. I can’t say anything.
Imagine how stupid I’d look asking a thirty-six year old
man if he’s hot for me. He’d be so offended if it isn’t
true. But what if he said yes, that he wants me like
that? What would I do then? God, if Daddy and
Maggie found out they’d do something awful. It would
ruin everything here. He’d lose everyone’s respect. What
do I do?
She put her pen down and
tucked her diary away just as the man himself arrived at her cell, carrying
Judith. The baby was asleep when she took him from Rick’s arms.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Yeah, why?”
He shrugged. “I’ve been
watching you. You seem down.”
“You watch me a lot, don’t
you?” she asked quietly.
Rick looked down and shoved
his hands in his pockets. A moment later he looked into her eyes and opened his
mouth to speak but thought better of it.
“I’ll pick her up tonight
around six.”
Beth nodded and watched him
go. She cradled his daughter in her arms and wondered what was going on with
him. What had he been about to say? It was times like this that Beth wished she
had more life experience, more experience with men, so she’d have some clue as
to what was going on with Rick. She couldn’t figure him out.
She knew someone who could,
though. She put Judith in the little stroller they’d picked up that week and
wheeled her down to the court where the tubs had been set up for laundry day.
She found her sister Maggie scrubbing clothes on a washboard and she took a
seat on one of the steps near her.
“Maggie? How do you know if a
man is interested in you?”
“I wouldn’t call Carl a man.
I don’t think he’s still got that crush on you anyway.”
Maggie looked at Beth and mistook her silence for hurt. “Don’t let it bother you. Boys his age are fickle. Besides, he’s too young for you anyway, right?”
“I wasn’t talking about Carl. This is an older man.”
“Who?”
“I’m not ready to say.”
Maggie was looking at her fully now. “Beth, we’ve been taking strangers in. We don’t know them or what they may try. If somebody’s bothering you—”
“No, Maggie. It’s fine. Never mind.”
“You sure?”
Beth nodded and took Judith for a walk. She spotted Rick and Daryl talking by the gate. They were laughing, which was rare for both men. As though he could sense her gaze, Rick looked back at her. She pretended not to see him and continued on. She happened upon Michonne and hurried her way. Michonne would talk to her without trying to be overprotective.
“Michonne?”
Michonne was lifting weights when Beth approached. “What’s up?”
“I need your advice.”
“Okay.”
“How do I know if a man is interested in me? An older man.”
Michonne put the weights down and began to stretch her muscles.
“If you have to ask, chances are you know the answer.”
Beth considered that for a moment.
“Talk to him. You can’t guess what people are thinking. Not really. If you’re wrong it’s fine. If you’re right you can go from there.”
Beth relaxed. Michonne was right. It wasn’t fair for her to make assumptions, not to her or him.
“If you find out this older man is interested, do you think you’d feel the same?”
“I don’t know,” Beth said honestly.
“Take your time. Do what feels right for you.”
Michonne resumed her workout and Beth thanked her before taking Judy inside, out of the heat, for a feeding.”
…
She knows, Rick thought.
He watched Beth stroll Judith toward Michonne, who was working out.
“Why you always watching that girl?”
Fuck…
He should have known to be careful around other people, especially Daryl Dixon, but he often found himself gazing at Beth without being aware he was doing it at first. Then, when he was aware, he couldn’t stop.
“I don’t,” he tried to cage.
Daryl wasn’t buying it. “She’s seventeen, man.”
“I know how old she is.”
Daryl shrugged but Rick could tell he was a little stiff in the back as he did it. He felt a wave of shame and also a need to open up to someone about it. Daryl was his best friend. He was a man of few words and he was also understanding.
“I’d never act on it.”
That was all he needed to say
to finally give voice to the hell he’d been going through the past few months.
He felt as though weight had literally been lifted from his body. His
chest and stomach didn’t feel as heavy, though he did feel shame.
“She know?” Daryl asked,
crossing his arms.
Rick looked back at Beth, who
was carrying the stroller with Judith in it up the steps and into the prison.
“I don’t know. I think she
has an idea.”
He looked back into Daryl’s
sky blue eyes. He was relieved to see there wasn’t anger or disappointment,
just curiosity.
“Why her?”
“I can’t explain it,” Rick
answered honestly. “Damned if I can explain it. It’s not about sex, Daryl. Not
just about that. Beth and I have nothing in common. I’m twice her age and…I
just can’t explain it but it’s real. I can’t stop it.”
“You’re in love with her
then?” Daryl asked, looking like a curious and confused puppy.
“I don’t know,” were the
words to come out of Rick’s mouth but something in his gut was screaming yes.
“Be careful,” Daryl advised.
“Everybody here looks to you for everything, even if you don’t give the orders
anymore. They may not trust you if they found out you were hot for a teenaged
girl.”
“You too?”
“Naw, man. I trust you.”
He patted Rick on the arm and
headed to his bike where he knelt and began the process of an oil change. Rick
started back for the prison. He had a lot of work to do. Maybe, if Daryl was
still his friend, still trusted him, he wasn’t the monster he felt he was
whenever he dreamed of holding Beth close and kissing her, or lying next to her
as she slept.
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